Jerry, you need to find god
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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