at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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