I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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