Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
