Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Boobs are out for the taking
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
