Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
