I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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