i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
