My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
