I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
