I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
