She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
