i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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