i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
