I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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