I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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