Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
