I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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