i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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