I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
