woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?