TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.