Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
