i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE