hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
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Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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