I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
