i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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