Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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