I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
