the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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