I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
