life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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