wat bout pragnant strippers??
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
