dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
