Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
