Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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