Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
