your thong is hanging out like whoa
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
