tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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