I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
