some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
