I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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