Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
