I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
