Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
