fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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