i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
