i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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