i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
how does that bad decision feel?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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