its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
