im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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