It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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