you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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