I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
