When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
