The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
