??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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