Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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