The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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