Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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