Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
