he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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