my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
